Raw

Behind the Curtain

My husband and I were on a video chat with some long distance friends and all the while the tiny fibers in my being were urging insistently that this wasn’t enough. I began to suspect they felt it too because throughout the conversation someone would let slip “I miss you guys” in a soft and plaintive tone bespoken of earnest wishing.

What was so different about this than any other conversation? Long distance chatting is certainly nothing new. We have been using telephones, texting, and video calls for years. We ought to be well accustomed to this form of communication – and grateful since without we would have no other means to contact outside of a full vacation visit. Or letters. Which isn’t the same at all.

What’s so different about sitting on a couch sipping coffee with friends through a viewing screen vs sitting on a couch sipping the same coffee surrounded by those very friends? I tell you, it IS very different and somewhat wrong. Despite the instant gratification of viewing, chatting, and filling up the social cup our souls need, this form of long distance conversation is missing the thing our souls crave.

Energy. Aura. Chakra, if you will. Each of us gives off an invisible to the eye – but blatantly obvious to the soul – energy wave which harbors our individual essence. You feel it in crowds which either drains you – if introverted – or energizes you – of extroverted. One-on-one conversations can be made more intimate if you both harbor similar energy patterns. And that is exactly what we are missing in the long distance.

It can be described as watching yourself eat food on a recorded video. While you watch the nutrients enter your body, you begin to crave because your senses tell you there’s food, but your fibers are pulling at empty stores. You’re hungry and never satisfied.

And as I refrained from verbalizing the helpless pining, my heart broke a little with longing. I missed them, too.

This has been,

FanTC

Raw

Marriage – A Lifetime of Messing with the Love in Your Life

My husband: That makeup makes you look like you have angry eyes.

Me: I’m not wearing any makeup…

I proceed to convince him the song goes “Angry eyes! I don’t know what I did to deserve your anger. Angry eyes!”

He believes me for almost two minutes.

This has been,

Fanny T. Crispin

Raw

Story Time

Let me share with you a story. This comes from very early 2020. The setting is winter. The scene is corporate offices.


I dropped my purse on the desk – my desk. My very own. This was something I had strived for all of my adult life. I love this corporate life. It helps that I work for a very respectable company.

It was Wednesday. Nothing special, except I felt tired. It had been stressful the past few weeks since being assigned this new project. Per my usual morning routine, I hung up my coat, made my rounds of good mornings, and tacked the Hump Day Camel onto my cabinet for all to see. We don’t have cubicles, you see, but are divided by half walls. It made the floor open and inviting and easier to be cordial with coworkers. I have to say, they promote a suburb working environment here.

I opened my calendar to view the day’s agenda. First priority of the morning, freeze Customer X’s orders.

I couldn’t help a feeling a weight of weariness. This customer had been breaking promises left and right since Christmas. We had warned we were going to freeze their orders back in January, but somehow they had weaseled an extension. I was about to find out HOW soon enough.

Don’t get me wrong. We don’t want to freeze orders. This is a supply company, and we’re in the business to sell and make money.

But sometimes the customers don’t feel like paying their bills. That’s where my team comes in. We monitor the customers’ accounts and problem-solve any errors which occurred in the order to cash process. I personally find it fascinating, and I love the challenge. Especially when people like Customer X give us the run-around and expect to get away with it. It doesn’t help when the customer’s direct representative with the company is feeding them confidence and promises.

Yes, dear readers, the problem here rested prominently within our very own Sales Force. I’m usually on good par with Sales Force. If they come to me for help, I’m diligent and relentless to discover a solution. If I go to them for help, they usually reciprocate the same. It’s a beautiful relationship, but sometimes I encounter the odd squaller.

By her picture on our website, she looks young and friendly. Beautiful face, beautiful hair. Up until today, all our correspondence was in email, so I had no idea what I was in for when I picked up the phone.

“This is (insert ambiguous coworker name here) calling about that hold. You put my account on hold even when I told you not to.

Maybe you recognize the tonal inflection even through text. Maybe in your mind’s ear, you can hear the level of attitude delivered in quick punches. I suppose it would look something like this:

“Hel-LOOO. This is (SOMEBODY FREAKING IMPORTANT) CaLlInG aBoUt ThAt HOLD. YoU pUt My AcCoUnT oN HOLD eVeN wHeN i TOLD yOu NOT tO.”

You see, the trouble I have with people like this is they don’t have the patience to explain situations. If she had come to me early on with the details of this particular business partner, the order entry errors, and how she was working with them to correct, I would have jumped on board. Instead, she thought she could bully her way, let the order entries go on failing, and continue to collect her commission. I don’t roll with those types. In fact, the Taurus in me locks its legs in an attempt to fling its unsuspecting rider.


Life is an interesting deal. The more you work with the public, the more characters you encounter. And every encounter is an experience.

This has been,

FanTC

Raw

Living Cycles

I was wondering why I have such a hard time connecting with women in my church community. They’re cheerful, interesting, bubbly personalities I’m sure I would enjoy knowing. The realization crept up on me one day and caught me by surprise.

They’re all part of young families with children. I’m married too now, so that should bridge the gap at least a little closer, but it’s not enough. It’s not that I dislike young children – heaven forbid – but it’s a continual reminder I’m always one step behind the curve.

Get married, buy a house, have babies. My goals were not that ambitious as a little girl. I never had big dreams for my life. I intuitively followed a social curve which I think catches the majority in its wake. Since becoming an adult, I have done some pretty incredible stuff. I’m happy with how my life turned out. I’m learning not to rush the good things. But I still struggle being around married women with young children. They have something I’ve wanted for a very long time. Inevitably, someone says something to the effect of “Just wait until you have babies!” And I’m reminded once again I’m two steps behind them always.

Besides, if I need littlies time, I have two fantastic nephews to love on. They will have to fill the void for now.

This has been,

Fanny T. Crispin

Raw

I Miss You; Part 3

We went to the local Renaissance faire the day after our wedding. We were engaged at the very same faire. We would have gotten married at the faire but – alas – too many restrictions. Bristol is a big part of our lives. It’s currently shut down because of Covid.

I miss it.

It has been a rough season. Physically, aside from being out of shape, my body finally feels rested and de-stressed. Mentally, I’ve been able to decompress. Emotionally, it’s taking it’s toll. One by one the events which define how we choose to live are being taken away. Hubby and I find small distractions along the way. We’ve discovered some pretty cool stuff from our otherwise lack of options. Still, sometimes social media sends a reminder. A faire friend might pop up. Someone mentions sassafras or cheese fritters. I feel an ache.

It’s not wrong to miss your old life. Nobody should tell you to toughen up or somebody in the world has it worse. That doesn’t matter. What does matter is you feel the loss. Pushing it away doesn’t make it any less real.

I hope you’re getting by these days. If you are missing something, write about it in the comments. Sometimes writing helps.

It helped me.

This has been,

Fanny T. Crispin