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Mind & Body, Ponderings, Raw

A Letter

FanTC

We were kind of hit with a lot last year. There were stretches of whole months in which I had to put on a brave face and push forward.

But I kept going because I had to, you know? Life still demand attention to detail and calls to action. I didn’t have time to mourn my grandmother passing because we were simultaneously evicted (new management) from our housing. I couldn’t deal with that either because we were put up in temp housing so we had to constantly be on the lookout for a new place.

On top of everything, starting a new position at my job which required all of my brain power.

And we both got Covid. GW was even hospitalized.

On Christmas Eve.

So when I tell you I’m burnt out, I mean there is nothing but cold, gray ash in my soul.

We’re in a better place now.

In the back of my mind, I fretted over this sense of apathy that took root in my brain. I find no joy in my old hobbies. I instantly lose interest in books. I could sit down and force myself to read, but feel absolutely nothing.

The apathy stretches into my personal life too. I could explain it as a general disinterest in, well, everything.

I know I’m happy. I put a little energy toward the house and yard. It doesn’t last long.

I’m reminded of something my therapist said long ago. She likened our emotions to our physical body. If you’re in a car crash – a bad one – it takes months, maybe years to heal fully. There might be residual scar tissue. It’s the same for your emotions.

What I take from that now in this season of apathy is kindness.

I’m being kind to myself. The apathy isn’t something to hate. It’s a part of the healing process. I’m allowing myself to feel nothing, knowing my emotions have been battered and smashed up, and it’s going to take some time to recover from that.

I remind myself I am still happy. I’m in a happy season of life. I don’t need everything to be as full and meaningful as it once was. I just need to be present in this season, smile because it’s good, and know that joy and meaning will return to me in time.

All we have is time, after all.

This has been,

Fanny Crispin

Mind & Body

Affirmations

FanTC

It’s hard to dredge yourself out of a funk, yeah? I think so. Sometimes it feels good to sit and rot in bitterness and unmet expectations. The last thing you can think of in these moods is “positive affirmations.”

You might even be a bit like me: “These don’t work. What a lie. Why bother?”

Negative feeding more negative. I don’t expect you to be able to meditate your way out. I certainly couldn’t.

That’s why I’m sharing a guided meditation I found. The speaker encourages you to listen for 21 days.

I don’t expect you to be perfect at that either. I missed days. But sometimes I listened to the guided meditation twice or three times a day depending on how bad my mood was.

If you give it a shot, you might be surprised – and more than a little relieved – by how easy this new mindset is.

I even caught myself repeating the affirmations during a particular negative mood swing.

It helped.

Give it a try. I’ve saved the YouTube link HERE. Ignore the voice in your head telling you this is all “bunk.” That’s the same voice feeding you negative thoughts. It might be time to kick it to the curb and get some healing for yourself.

This has been,

Fanny

Raw

Life Has Been Rough

FanTC

I’m not gonna lie to you, kid. We’ve hit a rough patch this year.

It started to spiral when we first learned of Grandma’s cancer. That one felt unfair and unbearable. You see, she had just put a down payment on a local apartment which would have made her life a little easier and put her closer to her daughter and us grandkids.

Two months after her diagnosis, she passed away.

My husband and I had vacation plans during this time. We decided not to make any changes because Grandma would have shaken me silly if I cancelled plans and lost money on hotel reservations. So we celebrated her funeral hundreds of miles away.

Two days after returning home, we received an Eviction Notice in the mail.

You can’t make this stuff up.

Our current landlord was selling the unit we rented – which we knew of course – and the new owners told us to vacate the premises. I guess they let our neighbor stay though. It would have been a great situation if WE had purchased the unit, but it was wildly out of our budget. And clearly, the landlord was out to make an easy profit since they literally did NOTHING to repair the place. I’m talking unraveling carpet everywhere, cracked paint, drafty windows, peeling linoleum, leaking faucets…

That’s how tough the housing market is though. You’re going to pay out the ass for a dump. That’s why we’ve been hunkering down in a rental.

By the grace of God, my sister’s house was still up for sale. She pulled it off the market and offered to let us quick-rent until we could get back on our feet. It was a stressful time. We would look into buying her place, but it’s a bit smaller than our rental unit even.

We’re settled in maybe two weeks. GW takes a much needed cross-country motorcycle ride with his buddies.

The first night at their AirB&B, his bike gets stolen.

We just dumped hundreds of dollars in maintenance repairs into the bike which I’m still paying off on the credit card and we don’t even have a bike to show for it. Poor Hubby is stranded. He calls me at 3am absolutely wrecked. They have to call their trip short and he rides on the back of his friend’s bike all the way home.

What next, you ask? We’re wondering the same. By now, we’re totally spent. Nerves are short. Empathy is at an all time low. We’re taking it day by day, nice and slow, just trying to repair.

I don’t usually question God too much. It’s not really his fault. Think about it: You build a paradise, create some adorable monkeys to take care of it, and they go and wreck everything bringing disease and rot into your garden. This isn’t a sermon, but that’s my dogma. God spun the world into motion and gave it to humans to care for. We are accountable for our own mistakes and the mistakes of our forbears. God is gracious, but not a magic genie to lift us out of our mess every time.

Because it’s our mess, isn’t it? We should clean it up.

But conveniently, my sister’s house was available and she was gracious enough to rent to us.

Imagine that.

That’s God moving if I ever saw it.

Even though our situation sucks, I consider it an honor to help others in need. So when our struggling single-mother friend asked to borrow my car because hers needs emergency repairs, of course I said yes. She stood at the door and knocked, and God said “I know a gal who’s working from home and has a spare vehicle. I’ve got you covered, child.”

And while God doesn’t always deal in miracles, the next day, my friend’s car was repaired ahead of schedule.

And the mechanic offered to let her pay half now and half later.

And then her boss drops cash on her desk to cover it all.

Imagine that.

And just as a little reward, my supervisor calls me and says she’s going to temporarily remove a stressful client package off my plate until I get more comfortable in this new role. Because I was really struggling, y’all.

I’m thankful for silver linings this year. We’re pretty blessed.

This has been,

Fanny T. Crispin

If you want to help in some small way, you are welcome to buy us a coffee on my donation page Ko-fi-FanTC. Do not feel obligated at all. We’re doing fine. We both have secure jobs and we’ll climb back up soon enough.

Thank you for listening.

Mind & Body

Pain

FanTC

You probably don’t know this about me, but I suffer from Sciatica.

The sciatic nerve is the largest nerve running from your hip, down your butt, and through the length of your leg.

https://www.spine-health.com/conditions/sciatica/sciatic-nerve-and-sciatica

Often times, Sciatica is caused by a pinching of the spinal disk causing swelling and damage to the nerve. This results in hardcore aching pain through the hip and leg. I was getting chiropractic care for awhile, but haven’t been in a few years.

It sucks.

There are a few stretches which helps to relieve the pressure and anything you can do to stretch out the lower spine helps. I also use yoga positions (which are great overall for health.) I even use a foam roll to inverse my back. This has probably been the biggest life saver to open up those pinched disks.

Some triggers can be lawn chairs which cause you to “sit” on your waist instead of your butt, exercise without properly stretching after, or sitting too long.

When it happens, if you don’t take care of it quick, you could be stuck with all day pain and no relief. If my usual care routine doesn’t help, I resort to ibuprofen which reduces inflammation.

You only get one body, folks. Take care of it.

This has been,

Fanny T. Crispin