I Have a Confession, Readers

I had a nightmare. This isn’t something new or out of the ordinary. I get them sometimes – I suppose every dreamer does once in awhile. Nightmares are a result of stress and anxiety, and they can take two forms:  A nightmare can be based in real life, depicting people and places you recognize, but with scary circumstances; or a nightmare can be based in a fantasy life, such as a circus, a world of witches, or an obscure, but terrifying, vision.

I’m not going to describe my nightmare because I don’t really care about it.

The dream woke me out of a dead sleep at 3am. It’s now two hours later, and I am spending the time browsing Facebook, Instagram, and finally, the Reader portion of WordPress. I switched to Discover mode, hoping to find something meaningful to pass the time. I still have 2.5 hours to go before I have to get ready for work, and I’m simply not fatigued enough to sleep.

It’s rare for me to find these moments of reflection. It’s probably a story you’ve heard similarly all over the internet. We as people are far too busy. But for me, it’s not just about finding the time, it’s about allowing the time. There’s a difference. Let me explain: There are three things going on in my life I cannot change, three things entirely dependent on a second party to fulfill their roles. Since I can do nothing about them, I avoid thinking of them altogether. Thinking makes me anxious. Anxiety leads to frayed nerves. Stress leads to snapping at my boyfriend in mean-full ways.

You see, I am a passive-aggressive goal-orientated person. When my conscience is presented with a goal, it mulls it over, weighs out the options, and analyzes for possible reactions. When I finally come to a decision, I want to act right away. I set to work researching the matter and filling in the gaps of my knowledge of it. I follow up leads and query persons involved, directly or indirectly, for their opinions. I pour myself into the project until it is finished, and then I sit back and enjoy the satisfaction of finishing something. That’s how I work.

People are always saying “Trust God’s timing. He is teaching you a lesson in (patience, perseverance, etc.) He knows what is best for you.”

Trust the timing.

It’s a simple statement. “Trust the timing.” There is such a rush to get stuff down now. We run in halls, race through traffic, scamper to and fro in a mad dash to achieve. But we forget that we have time on this Earth. I know that’s a contradiction of many statements – The trouble with time is you think you have time, Buddha; All flesh is like grass and all its glory like the flower of grass. The grass withers, and the flower falls, 1 Peter 1:24. Ironically, both statements are true. We have time on this Earth -or- Our time is fleeting. I may die tomorrow. So what? I’m at peace with my life. To be honest, my confession is I am more afraid of living.

Confession: I am more afraid of living than dying.

Living requires a lot of work and dedication with very little direction. We are all blind men tapping our canes before us to test the pavement or dirt for obstacles. We have no idea what we’re doing. Anyone who tells you otherwise is just a blind man running his hand along a banister. For a short time, he knows he can continue, but sooner or later that banister is going to end, and he’ll be just as lost as when he first started. Some people run in circles thinking they have found a clear path. We all know better.

Readers, it is now 5:23am. A whopping 23 minutes after I started this post. I think I am finally tired enough to catch an hour or two of sleep before the alarm goes off. So goodnight, and in the meantime, I will continue waiting – trusting in the timing, and trying not to be so deathly afraid of this life.

One last word of caution: Don’t eat pepperoni pizza before bed.

This has been,

Fanny T. Crispin, Writer in the Raw